The Snape Vignettes-
by Sarah Noble
Summary: This is a collection of vignettes all about my man Severus Snape, who deserves nothing less than to have horribly dumb (but thankfully short) fanfiction about him. These are bite-sized, prepackaged, ready-to-own stories to assist your smiley times.
1. Catering a Party

[Please note that Prof. Snape, Dumbledore and other bootylicious people are property of J.K. Rawling. Sarah Noble is property of herself. Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.]  
  
"Severus Snape Caters a Party for One Hundred and Forty-Seven People" by Sarah Noble  
  
"Severus, I've got a bit of a dilemma," Professor Dumbledore said slowly. "I need you to cater a party for 147 people."  
  
"Damn," Snape swore. "Then I'm going to need at least six or seven more cheese trays."  
  
Dumbledore stared.  
  
"I wasn't aware you owned any cheese trays," he said finally.  
  
"Oh yeah," Snape gestured casually. You'd think you would never use them, but once you actually own one...well, uses just start popping up like hay fever attacks in Nebraska."  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat awkwardly.  
  
"You're fired, Snape," he said. 


	2. No Toolisms

[Please note that Prof. Snape, Dumbledore and other bootylicious people are property of J.K. Rawling. Sarah Noble is property of herself. Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.]  
  
"Severus Snape and the Word 'Tool' "  
  
  
  
"You are going to lose more than just ten points for Gryffindor if you use the word 'tool' in my class again, Mr. Weasley," Snape hissed dangerously.  
  
"But Professor, it's a legitimate word!" Fred protested.  
  
"It is NOT," Snape snarled. "At least, not when you use it as an insult. If you want to belittle people, Mr. Weasley, use long-winded, spiteful phrases like I do. And be sure to work the word 'insolent' into every one of them.  
  
"And can we frown like we've just had our jaws epoxied together, like you?" George asked.  
  
"Yes, but only in cases where my moody frown would be appropriate, such as final exams, funerals, Easter, the lighting of the Olympic torch, frat parties, Arbor Day and any function that requires standing, sitting, talking, eating or sleeping."  
  
"That's not how Sarah Noble would do it," Fred muttered.  
  
"Sarah Noble's a tool," Snape snapped irritably. 


	3. Bores A Ferret

[Please note that Prof. Snape, Dumbledore and other bootylicious people are property of J.K. Rawling. Sarah Noble is property of herself. Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.]  
  
"Severus Snape Loses an Audience of Four Bored Teachers and a Ferret"  
  
"...and then I said any club that would have her as a member wasn't worth joining," Snape said airily.  
  
"Uh-huh," Professor Lupin yawned. He looked down and noticed that Professor Trelawney had passed out into his lap.  
  
"Well Severus, I really must be going," he continued, checking his watch. "Not that it wasn't the best six-hour story I've ever heard, you know..."  
  
"But I haven't gotten to the part where I'm crowned Ultimate Snowball Warrior!" Snape protested.  
  
Professor Sinistra came out of her tired stupor long enough to lunge for the door. "Musht get goin'," she muttered insensibly.  
  
"More fudge, please," Flitwick mumbled and, in a sudden fit of alertness, threw himself headfirst out of the staffroom window.  
  
"But...but the best part's coming up next!" Snape proclaimed desperately.  
  
"That's what you said two hours ago," Lupin growled bad-temperedly. He picked up his briefcase and strode away.  
  
"Foo," said the ferret and walked out the door. 


	4. Cleans Up at Powerball

[Please note that Prof. Snape, Dumbledore and other bootylicious people are property of J.K. Rawling. Sarah Noble is property of herself. Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.]  
  
"Severus Snape Cleans Up at Powerball"  
  
  
  
"Let's see," Snape muttered, examining his lottery ticket. It read:  
  
7 31 28 2 5 12 29  
  
"Well now," he smiled, switching on the television. "This should be interesting." he turned to Channel 7.  
  
A smiling blonde was setting up the winning Powerball numbers as he spoke.  
  
"And the big winners are," she squealed in a falsely cheerful tone, "14...8...33...uh, forty-...wait..." The white numbered balls were spinning violently in their sockets. They finally slowed to a halt and presented new numbers.  
  
"Uh, correction," the blonde woman said with a confused offstage, "the...er...winning numbers are 7...31...28...2...5...12...and 29." She shrugged helplessly to someone off-camera. Snape smiled and put his wand away.  
  
"75 million dollars to me," he chuckled over a glass of sherry. "I think I'll buy a boat-house." 


	5. Severus Snape: GreyWolf

[Please note that Prof. Snape, Dumbledore and other bootylicious people are property of J.K. Rawling. Sarah Noble is property of herself. Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.]  
  
"Severus Snape Tries to Nickname Himself Greywolf"  
  
"Severus, could you-" Lupin began.  
  
"Greywolf," Snape corrected. Lupin looked confused.  
  
"Come again?" he asked politely.  
  
"I want everyone to call me 'Greywolf' from now on," Snape explained.  
  
"It's my new nickname," he added.  
  
"Ah," Lupin nodded. "That's idiotic."  
  
"No it's not!" Snape said fiercely. "Look, I already set it up as my AIM handle, and my email is now Grey_Wolf2285@yahoo.com, so just get used it."  
  
"Whatever, Severus," Lupin sighed, rolling his eyes.  
  
"GREYWOLF!" Snape whined loudly. 


	6. Tying the Knot

[Please note that Prof. Snape, Dumbledore and other bootylicious people are property of J.K. Rawling. Sarah Noble is property of herself. Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.]  
  
"Severus Snape Announces his Engagement to Sarah Noble, Who is Less Than Enthusiastic"  
  
"I have a very important announcement to make, "Snape saidly loudly during dinner one night. He cleared his throat as the hall went silent.  
  
"Sarah Noble and I are getting married," he said proudly, beaming towards the Griffindor table.  
  
"What?" Sarah said stupidly.  
  
"We've been discussing the awkwardness of a student-professor relationship, but decided we were just too in lvoe to care," Snape continued. "Isn't it wonderful?"  
  
"Um, no?" Sarah tried again. "I mean, what? What is this?"  
  
"I love you, snooky bunny," Snape simpered at Sarah, amid a shout of laughter from the students and horrified looks from the staff table.  
  
"Um, hello?" Sarah yelled frantically. "Is this thing on? I'm NOT marrying him. Seriously."  
  
"Ooh, you'll have the same initials!" Angelina squealed.  
  
"OK, that's it," Sarah shouted. "Stop this story NOW." 


	7. The Ultimate Snowball Warrior

[Please note that Prof. Snape, Dumbledore and other bootylicious people are property of J.K. Rawling. Sarah Noble is property of herself. Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.]  
  
"Severus Snape: Snowball Warrior"  
  
"I declare myself the Ultimate Snowball warrior!" Snape announced. Silence reigned over the courtyard.  
  
"Hello?" Snape peered out of his fort.  
  
"Where is everyone?" he snapped, heaving one of four hundred and sixty-two ready-made snowballs out onto the frosted lawn. "I did NOT get up at dawn to build an impenetrable snowfort that no one bothers to attack!"  
  
"Is that you in there, Severus?" Dumbledore's face appeared over the wall. "All of the students have gone home for the winter holidays."  
  
"What!" Snape shouted. "How can I defend my title as Ultimate Snowball Warrior without challengers?"  
  
"I declare you the winner on the basis of forfeit by the students," Dumbledore announced seriously. Snape grinned.  
  
'Marvelous! What do I win?"  
  
"Five seconds to get out of my sight, you bizarre little man, "Dumbledore snapped.  
  
  
  
Please note that Prof. Snape, Dumbledore and other bootylicious people are property of J.K. Rawling. Sarah Noble is property of herself. Fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it. 


End file.
